Hindsight 2021: Love, Life, Loss, and Cappuccinos

Today is the last day of 2021, and I’d like to let loose my emotions and share a few personal highs and lows of the year.

A lot of things happened, but none compared to the events of the year’s last few months.

The passing of a good friend

If you had run into my friend Jim Phelan on the street of San Francisco, chances are you wouldn’t have noticed him. And he probably wouldn’t have noticed you, either.

Jim was the type who minded his own business. He carried an indifferent, borderline grumpy look on his face by default. He was never ostentatious and always blended in the background. He appeared ordinary.

But Jim was an example of how we can’t judge a book by its cover. I’m one of those lucky enough to get to know the real him. And to those who knew him, among other things, Jim would always be there when needed—more readily available and at times surprisingly stronger than he appeared to be.

For years, Jim and I worked together. He filmed and cut most of my review and how-to videos. The recording sections were always the highlights of my days. Jim had a sharp eye for detail and was quick at seeing truth vs. bullshit. In many ways, he was my mentor.

Between takes, we talked. Jokes. Serious thoughts. Silly thoughts. Family issues. Work issues. Love. Life. Politics. Racism. Good. Bad. So on and so forth. We laughed a lot and cussed quite a bit, too.

I remember dreading having to do videos initially. I was one of those who’d feel nauseated when hearing their recorded voice played back—I still feel that way. That’s not to mention the comment section which, at the time, was the cesspool of humanity’s civility. (It still is today on some websites.)

“You know, I got a lot of negative comments mocking my name and accent,” I told him.

“Screw that racist bullshit, Dong. You’re great!” Jim said. “How about we Ding Dong right back at them?” And that was how the “that’s because I’m Dong Ngo” ending in each video came to life. We had fun with it.

Jim knew a lot. It was always fun and even eye-opening to chat with him on serious topics.

I remember sharing many private thoughts with Jim and, later, finding out that some other co-workers did, too. There was something about Jim that was comforting and reliably trustworthy.

And he shared his with me, too.

“I love the Bay Area, and that’s a good thing. I also love Oaklahoma, but I can’t move back after living in San Francisco for over a decade. They won’t accept me.” He once told me and then went on elaborating the reasons, most of which I could relate to.

“I’ll retire and die here,” Jim added.

In early 2018, when I started this website, Jim offered to help if I wanted to open my own YouTube channel. “You should! You’re really great!” he said.

We ended up agreeing that we would do something on this front together when he retired, which would be sometime in 2022. And we were both somewhat looking forward to that.

The pandemic broke most of our planned gatherings, and we kept in touch through texts and calls despite living relatively close to each other.

In early 2019, Jim was diagnosed with prostate cancer and had to go through some rough treatments. I told Jim things would be OK and that he’d kick cancer’s ass.

“You’ll beat it, Jim. I have no doubt.” I texted him.

“Hell, yes, I will,” he replied with the 💪emoji.

On the inside, I kept my finger crossed. And by late 2021, Jim did kick cancer’s ass—he was cancer-free.

Jim was happy, possibly happiest in his life. He just moved to his favorite neighborhood. His retirement was on the horizon. He and his wife had lots of plans for a new stress-free future. He even got himself a brand-new Apple watch.

In one of our last exchanges, Jim was excited to hear that my wife and I would have a third child. “And then there were three.” He said, referring to a children’s song. “Congratulations! Can’t wait to meet him!”

Life was moving along somewhat expectedly.

Then. It. Stopped.

On November 12, I received a text from a former colleague that Jim had passed the day before.

Immediately, I thought it was still his cancer somehow.

Soon later, I got an agonizing call from his wife. “I lost my best friend.” She said in tears. Selfishly, at the moment, my thought was, “I lost one of mine, too!”

Jim was walking home from a BART train station in San Francisco, and he collapsed on the sidewalk. And that was it. Paramedics and doctors couldn’t save him. The whole thing played out like a horrible prank, a bad dream. He died just days before my baby was born.

Jim was only 64.

To put it in a sentence, Jim possessed a unique human spirit that was kind, caring, genuine, and brutally honest, shrouded in a weird, quick, and great sense of humor.

Jim Phelan had flaws like all of us. But he sure was real, like we all would want to be—some never succeed.

I know many of us will miss him dearly—I feel for his wife and former co-workers who have had to alter their immediate and long-term plans without him. His sudden passing made no sense.

Aristotle was wrong. Not everything “happens for a reason.”

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With that, let’s move on to some brighter notes.

This time last year, I mentioned how your Ko-Fis had helped me through 2020. That happened during this year, too.

Throughout 2021, I continued my morning coffee-to-diner daily routine. And things worked out somewhat routinely until the last part of the year—as you can imagine. And there was more.

So long 2020 and thanks for all the Ko-fis

A new coffee machine

My daily coffee routine recently got a significant upgrade. Last Black Friday, we snatched a great deal on this Breville BES880BSS Barista Touch Espresso machine, and my wife has been happy with it.

With a three-cups-a-day habit, she had been eyeing a good coffee maker for a couple of years. “It would save us a lot of time!” she convinced herself.

But no convincing would have been necessary—the proof is in the pudding, as they say.

The day the machine arrived, we tried it, and she agreed when I said its 120-second-from-start-to-finish cappuccino was comparable to one she’d spend some 10 minutes to make manually with our Moka pot. (And trust me, her hand-made cappuccino has always been arguably among the best.)

So the purchase proved a success. And a well-deserved one, too.

But in all seriousness, my wife deserved way more than a fancy beverage maker. The idea was not even remotely applicable.

A new baby

In mid-November, we welcomed our third child. That was the happy part—and I didn’t necessarily mean the baby himself.

The pregnancy had been hard on mommy. Among many other things, she couldn’t stand the smell of coffee or her favorite food—she’d puke. Yet, on the inside, she craved them and was hungry. It was like torture. No, it was indeed torture since that lasted the entire pregnancy.

The delivery was crazy, too. There’s no word enough to describe the amount of intense pain involved…

That was not to mention the logistics—we had two toddlers who needed a morning routine, food, showers, taken to and back from schools, tucked to bed, etc., and no relatives nearby. We were lucky to have friends who were there for us. They were the family we chose.

So, at the time, I was just happy that my wife’s ordeal had a happy ending. Most importantly, it ended. What’d happen next—the parenting—might not necessarily be easy, but at least I could participate in a more meaningful way. Or so I thought.

Goodbye 2021

The conflicting emotions of having a child vs. losing a dear friend and the prolonged stress of preparing for a newborn during a pandemic proved to be too much.

For the first time in years, I came down with a weeks-long debilitating cold of some sort—not COVID-19. For days, I couldn’t speak without coughing uncontrollably—so much for helping my wife with the parenting.

So, 2021 was crazy, to put it mildly. It had many good moments, but overall, I’m glad the year has come to an end.

By the way, I’ve been back in decent physical shape for a couple of days. And, like you, I’m ready to start yet another flight around the sun, now equipped with a new understanding of how fragile life can be.

It’s the same trip, but the journey is different every time! I speak from decades of first-hand experience. This round, let’s not sweat the small stuff.

Here’s to keeping it real!

Happy New Year 2022!

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